Restaurant Review #3: The HouseBoat in Montego Bay, Jamaica

I am ashamed at how little time I have had to cook recently, and thus, my blog is truly suffering. I plan on having a revival this weekend. Expect desserts galore, as I will be baking many thank-you gifts. I will try to make some real food, too, although that's overrated. For the time being, I am going to take a few minutes to bring a little warmth into your Friday afternoon and transport you (and me) to the islands...Jamaica, here we come.

Pretty.

Ever been to Jamaica? I've only been once (layovers for other trips don't count) and only for a couple of days for work (please insert your sympathy for me here). I was there with a bunch of other people who are in the same line of work.

Frankly, I was not that impressed with J. If you've been and loved it, do tell me where to go, because I'm willing to admit that I had a bad experience and the whole island isn't worth condemnation--with the exception of The HouseBoat. We stayed between the cities of Kingston and Montego Bay in a sketchy 'resort.' I use quotations, because that's what they called themselves. I was terrified I was going to get bedbugs the entire time and the all-inclusive drinks were just sugar and water and a little bit of watered-down rail rum--not my definition of a resort.

Anyway, after one night at the first place (that had me wishing for a fumigated room), we went to Montego Bay, which was much more of a city. There was little strip of bars, restaurants, and shops--a stark contrast from the first compound. We had been referred to The HouseBoat by a contact of one of the other people on the trip. It had to be better than the mass-produced food in the hotel dining hall, so a group of us decided to set out on a dinner excursion.

Everyone else staying in MB that night had the same idea, so we could only get reservations for 10:05--closer to my bedtime than my usual dinnertime. After the reviews I had heard from the staff and others (and seeing the menu in the hotel lobby) I was psyched...10:05 dinner, here I come. Hello, heartburn.


Anyway, we got a cab to the place, and it's exactly what you'd expect...a Houseboat! It's a dimly lit, wooden boat, sitting in the middle of a lagoon. You look up to a hillside scattered with houses that look like minuscule dollhouses. The boat is anchored a fair distance off the shore, and in order to embark, you must wait for the host/hostess to come get you on a floating dock.

Don't know these people, just note the houses on the hillside.

This part made me really nervous, because the host would push the traveling dock out (it was probably a 15 to 20 foot trip from land to the boat), and turn to talk to another server, at this point they would jump onto the moving dock that was already about 8 feet from the boat. I swore someone was going swimming--fortunately, that never happened. They'll even jump onto the moving dock with a tray of drinks. There's a maximum capacity of 59 people (or some very small number) on the boat, so you are grounded on dry land until your table is ready.

See the land dock?

The entire structure is wooden and has windows opened to the outside and an open-air upper deck on which you can eat, too. There is also seating on the porch around the main dining room. In the middle of the dining room floor sits a holding tank for the lobsters (your pick your dinner!) with a plexiglass top that you can walk over or peer into.

We started with drinks on the top deck, and it was a beautiful night. Here's a personal observation on drinks from the islands...they're horrible. I don't know if it's the mixers from ultra concentrate or the 50-50 water-liquor, but the drinks are horrible. And this night, didn't differ any other...unfortunately. I think you need to stick with local beer that's served in a bottle; I swear even the tap is watered down.

Here's my disclaimer: this restaurant is not for the faint of stomach. No, the food is superb, but if you get motion sick even the slightest, this boat will rock your world. I know several people who would have to order their dinner served to the land dock. A big gust of wind or anyone with a heavy walk caused a detectable rock/sway in the boat, so if you get sick really easily, don't go to J to eat on the HouseBoat...you'll be very angry with me.

Lobsters from the floor/someone's dinner.

The night we went was the last night of the prix fixe menu, and unfortunately I didn't have room for a lobster tail (that I'd pick myself out of the hole in the floor) and filet mignon. Plus, I had my heart set on the grilled calamari since seeing it on the menu in the hotel lobby. While waiting on the food, they served warm rolls with raisins; I don't even like raisins, but this was great--blame that on the 10:05 reservation. Someone at the table was brave enough to order the snails in chardonnay cream, and another ordered the peel and eat shrimp with a hot pepper butter sauce. Everyone was extremely pleased with his or choice. And I was as happy as a clam with my grilled calamari.

While I might not have had room for the full three-course meal, I obviously had room for dessert. I mean, come on! The desserts of the night were a slice of banana cake served with caramelized banana ice cream and creme anglaise and a molten chocolate cake with whipped cream. I had made friends with one of the people on the trip, and fortunately she shared a bite of the banana extravaganza with me--very good, but it couldn't hold a candle to my molten chocolate goodness.

We all left unbelievably full and with some change in our pockets for the cab. The exchange rate was very much in our favor, so even those that went with the three-course dinner only spent about $40.

So while J may not be my number one place to visit, The HouseBoat made the trip worthwhile...it is definitely the crown jewel of the island...as far as I could tell. If I ever go back, I will eat here every night--no joke.

For more pictures and a complete history check out their website.